[His back jumps beneath the touch. He didn't register her presence until that contact. Aqua turns his head just enough to look at her with one glassy eye.
He's not crying. But the misery coming off of Aqua is depthless, crushing, like he's drowning all over again. His eye squeezes shut as he continues to press his face into the covers, the weight of two lifetimes of loss stepping down on his neck.
Lortel's calling for Aqua, but is that who he is? Is he anything, anymore? Why is he still here?
Lortel’s chest clenches. She needs this boy—needs the security he can offer her. But he’s offered it so willingly, without suspicion or hesitation. Almost like he trusts her.
Almost like he’s relying on her. ]
Aqua.
[ Said very softly. Idly she runs his back, not even sure where the impulse comes from. ]
It’s not your fault.
cw: suicidal mindframe all the way up and down this thread
[Aqua didn't even know Maomao. He couldn't have stopped her from sneaking out to eat hemlock, or whatever it was she did. His every natural instinct screams at him to get hold of himself and stop, to dam it all back up.
But Lortel's hand on his back undoes him gently.]
I know it's not my fault, but my mother... and my sister...
['Enjoy your totally unnecessary self-inflicted stab wound, I guess?'
What if it really didn't matter? What if he did all that for nothing? What if he died, or disappeared, and Ruby's still in danger?]
What's the point of keeping me alive, if nothing I do protects anyone...?
I need you, [ she tells him. Admits to him, really, all unwilling. ] I’m the one who needs you. Right now. The point?
Why does there have to be a point? Aren’t you valuable enough on your own? You’re valuable to me, [ she bites off, her own negative emotions briefly getting the better of her. ]
That's right. Lortel does have a use for him, doesn't she? For a second, the look on her face shuts out the howling futility all around him. She's right here, a scared, unhappy girl, trying to comfort him because she needs him.
His hand starts to move, beneath hers. Stops.]
...Is that okay? [For the first time, beneath those deep layers of exhaustion and dry calm, an alive and desperate boy is looking at Lortel through Aqua's eyes.] I'm... I'm using you, too, you know.
[Using her as a reason to live. Even if it's temporary. Even if it's just for now.]
He lets go of the blanket and, without turning his hand, threads his fingers through hers. He holds on to her instead of the bed, burying his face in his other hand. His back shudders.]
...Then promise... that I won't have to see you die. I need to hear that, Lortel. I'm not... I can't. You have to survive.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ She knew it. She knew he didn’t look well, back in the greenhouse.
Having trailed behind him until now, she abruptly rushed to his side, touching his back and one of his hands. ]
Aqua. Aqua, what’s wrong? Tell me.
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He's not crying. But the misery coming off of Aqua is depthless, crushing, like he's drowning all over again. His eye squeezes shut as he continues to press his face into the covers, the weight of two lifetimes of loss stepping down on his neck.
Lortel's calling for Aqua, but is that who he is? Is he anything, anymore? Why is he still here?
He takes a stilted breath. And another.]
I couldn't do anything... again...
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Lortel’s chest clenches. She needs this boy—needs the security he can offer her. But he’s offered it so willingly, without suspicion or hesitation. Almost like he trusts her.
Almost like he’s relying on her. ]
Aqua.
[ Said very softly. Idly she runs his back, not even sure where the impulse comes from. ]
It’s not your fault.
cw: suicidal mindframe all the way up and down this thread
[Aqua didn't even know Maomao. He couldn't have stopped her from sneaking out to eat hemlock, or whatever it was she did. His every natural instinct screams at him to get hold of himself and stop, to dam it all back up.
But Lortel's hand on his back undoes him gently.]
I know it's not my fault, but my mother... and my sister...
['Enjoy your totally unnecessary self-inflicted stab wound, I guess?'
What if it really didn't matter? What if he did all that for nothing? What if he died, or disappeared, and Ruby's still in danger?]
What's the point of keeping me alive, if nothing I do protects anyone...?
he’s doing great
[ … ]
I need you, [ she tells him. Admits to him, really, all unwilling. ] I’m the one who needs you. Right now. The point?
Why does there have to be a point? Aren’t you valuable enough on your own? You’re valuable to me, [ she bites off, her own negative emotions briefly getting the better of her. ]
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That's right. Lortel does have a use for him, doesn't she? For a second, the look on her face shuts out the howling futility all around him. She's right here, a scared, unhappy girl, trying to comfort him because she needs him.
His hand starts to move, beneath hers. Stops.]
...Is that okay? [For the first time, beneath those deep layers of exhaustion and dry calm, an alive and desperate boy is looking at Lortel through Aqua's eyes.] I'm... I'm using you, too, you know.
[Using her as a reason to live. Even if it's temporary. Even if it's just for now.]
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Don’t leave.
[ Everyone uses her. Everyone has a use for her. He’s no different in that regard.
Let him. As long as he doesn’t leave her… as long as he stays… ]
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A tear or two escapes now.
He lets go of the blanket and, without turning his hand, threads his fingers through hers. He holds on to her instead of the bed, burying his face in his other hand. His back shudders.]
...Then promise... that I won't have to see you die. I need to hear that, Lortel. I'm not... I can't. You have to survive.
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Selfishly, she decides to promise him the impossible anyway. ]
We’ll both survive. That’s what I’ve decided.
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Holding her hand still, Aqua takes a deep, shuddering breath, and nods.
After a while, he gathers himself enough to admit quietly:]
I saw my mother murdered. That's... part of why this is hitting me so hard.
[That and the blot. Thanks for NOTHING, Kingscholar.]
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Hah. I don’t even know why I’m telling you that. It’s …
[ … ]
You don’t need to be excused, [ she explains. He doesn’t have to share, if he doesn’t want. ]
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Finally, he murmurs:]
I'm all right now.
[As all right as either of them can be, really.]
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… but what can any of us do except act? [ this is more musing, almost as if to herself. ]
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We survive on pretty fictions just like that.
[He still has her hand. He gives her fingers a small squeeze and then loosens his grip so she can pull free.]
I'll be all right.
[Even that's a lie--but if he's lying, that means he's willing to try to live by it.]
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… I’ll hold you to that, you know.
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Fine. Keep me honest, Lortel.
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Mm. I’ll do my best.