[A month. That's all it's been. It's hard to wrap his mind around his coming to mean so much to her in such a short time.
But then, things like kindness, reliability, and support mean so much more to those who haven't seen much of them, don't they?
Aqua takes one small step, then another, until he finds himself by Lortel. Then he kneels beside her on the floor, one hand on the mattress beside her, one hand gently on her knee.]
...It would hurt you that much.
[He can't gauge his own value. Can't see himself at all, not how he fits into the world, not how he belongs in other people's lives. This, though, he understands.
[Lortel Kehelland is so quick to dismiss her tears--her real, wrenching horror, terror, and grief--as laughable. As weakness. She calls them ridiculous, when, to Aqua, there could be nothing more precious in any world.
The hand that isn't already touching her rises to touch her cheek, just a knuckle, a soft brush where he can land between her fingers.]
I think... maybe I've been the fool. For a long time.
[Ruby wept, raged, and schemed revenge for Amamiya Gorou, her first and only love. Kana called Aqua her idol, promised she'd curse him and slap his corpse if he ever even thought about dying. To Akane, he was both savior and an object of rescue, one for which she was willing to stain her hands with blood.
Aqua saw how they all cast him and understood the roles to be roles, knew that they weren't seeing him. He played the characters the girls projected on Hoshino Aquamarine, knowing there would be a time he left the set. Who would he be when the cameras stopped rolling? That, he never had an answer for.
But in a stageplay or film, roles are nothing without an actor to bring them to life. Whatever those girls saw, they were still looking at him.
Lortel wouldn't cry like this for the fake boyfriend she created. She's crying for him.
His steadfast belief that there’s nothing left for him—that there’s no point to him now—hurt her.
Lortel peeks at him from between her fingers, hesitant, sniffling. This isn’t like her. None of this is like her. She should be angrier at him that he was so willing to break their deal, but all she feels is scared that he’s still so willing to die. No, not even just willing, but ready. Like all he needs is a scrap of justification and he’ll leave her behind without looking back.
And what would she do then? What would be left for her? ]
I told you not to leave me, [ she chokes out, angry and heartbroken. ] What am I supposed to do, Aqua? You wouldn’t have even thought of me. It wouldn’t have given you pause at all.
[ rubs at her face, unable to bring herself to look at him.
How does she trust him now? Have faith in what he says? ]
[He would have thought of her. It would have hurt. But she's right; it wouldn't have stopped him.
It wouldn't have stopped him before now. Now, he's watching a girl who's been bright and strong, canny and sweet, unhappy and frightened and demanding, cry for him. Because of him. Lortel's crumpling before his eyes because he failed to understand her feelings.
He's supposed to be good at reading others. He's supposed to know what people want. It was always his one redeeming feature.]
Lortel.
[He covers the back of one of her hands with his, not to pull it from her face, but to overlay his palm, his fingers, his thumb on top of hers. To help her shield herself.]
You told me you bought my loyalty with your help. But you've given me far, far more than I... have any ability to repay, in these few weeks.
So, if... you want to extend the length of our agreement... it can be until you feel I've fulfilled the terms. It'll be up to you to determine when... or if... you want to let me go.
[Only after saying that does he bring his hand away.]
If I can... I'll use that time to make this up to you.
[ a soft, wet laugh. There’s no point to extending an agreement where he’s pretending to be her boyfriend much longer. But that’s not what he means, is it? ]
Make it up to me how? [ smiles a little, reaching out to take that hand and pressing it to her face, cupping it to her jaw. ]
[ she lets him, as his penance for making her cry in the first place. ]
… if you’re not actually a very good actor, what exactly have we been doing these past few weeks, hm? [ she’s teasing, and kisses him to put a point on it. ]
I don’t need a contract. I just need you here. [ her smile drops. ] Don’t ever scare me like that again.
[ Lortel sits up a little straighter, eyes widening to a soft, round, awed shape.
She doesn’t miss the meaning. How could she? This all started based on a lie. For him to insist… so quietly, that he truly means it…
Wonderingly, Lortel lifts a hand and cups his jaw, her eyes searching his. Her fingers will press under his chin, prompting him to lean down. Gently she bumps their foreheads together, peering at him myopically. There is a tiny, disbelieving smile on her face. ]
You won’t ever be able to take that back. I won’t let you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ finally she stops moving, sitting down hard on the bottom bunk. ]
For me? Yes, losing you would be—how can you even ask me that?
You promised me, [ she whispers, doubling over to press her face into her hands. ]
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But then, things like kindness, reliability, and support mean so much more to those who haven't seen much of them, don't they?
Aqua takes one small step, then another, until he finds himself by Lortel. Then he kneels beside her on the floor, one hand on the mattress beside her, one hand gently on her knee.]
...It would hurt you that much.
[He can't gauge his own value. Can't see himself at all, not how he fits into the world, not how he belongs in other people's lives. This, though, he understands.
What's a doctor for, except to make pain better?]
I... hurt you that much.
1/2
[ ! ]
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I know it’s ridiculous, [ she murmurs, at a loss. ] I’m being ridiculous.
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[Lortel Kehelland is so quick to dismiss her tears--her real, wrenching horror, terror, and grief--as laughable. As weakness. She calls them ridiculous, when, to Aqua, there could be nothing more precious in any world.
The hand that isn't already touching her rises to touch her cheek, just a knuckle, a soft brush where he can land between her fingers.]
I think... maybe I've been the fool. For a long time.
[Ruby wept, raged, and schemed revenge for Amamiya Gorou, her first and only love. Kana called Aqua her idol, promised she'd curse him and slap his corpse if he ever even thought about dying. To Akane, he was both savior and an object of rescue, one for which she was willing to stain her hands with blood.
Aqua saw how they all cast him and understood the roles to be roles, knew that they weren't seeing him. He played the characters the girls projected on Hoshino Aquamarine, knowing there would be a time he left the set. Who would he be when the cameras stopped rolling? That, he never had an answer for.
But in a stageplay or film, roles are nothing without an actor to bring them to life. Whatever those girls saw, they were still looking at him.
Lortel wouldn't cry like this for the fake boyfriend she created. She's crying for him.
His eyes sting.]
...I almost betrayed you. Lortel... I'm sorry.
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His steadfast belief that there’s nothing left for him—that there’s no point to him now—hurt her.
Lortel peeks at him from between her fingers, hesitant, sniffling. This isn’t like her. None of this is like her. She should be angrier at him that he was so willing to break their deal, but all she feels is scared that he’s still so willing to die. No, not even just willing, but ready. Like all he needs is a scrap of justification and he’ll leave her behind without looking back.
And what would she do then? What would be left for her? ]
I told you not to leave me, [ she chokes out, angry and heartbroken. ] What am I supposed to do, Aqua? You wouldn’t have even thought of me. It wouldn’t have given you pause at all.
[ rubs at her face, unable to bring herself to look at him.
How does she trust him now? Have faith in what he says? ]
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It wouldn't have stopped him before now. Now, he's watching a girl who's been bright and strong, canny and sweet, unhappy and frightened and demanding, cry for him. Because of him. Lortel's crumpling before his eyes because he failed to understand her feelings.
He's supposed to be good at reading others. He's supposed to know what people want. It was always his one redeeming feature.]
Lortel.
[He covers the back of one of her hands with his, not to pull it from her face, but to overlay his palm, his fingers, his thumb on top of hers. To help her shield herself.]
You told me you bought my loyalty with your help. But you've given me far, far more than I... have any ability to repay, in these few weeks.
So, if... you want to extend the length of our agreement... it can be until you feel I've fulfilled the terms. It'll be up to you to determine when... or if... you want to let me go.
[Only after saying that does he bring his hand away.]
If I can... I'll use that time to make this up to you.
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Make it up to me how? [ smiles a little, reaching out to take that hand and pressing it to her face, cupping it to her jaw. ]
Tell me, Aqua.
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[He means it.]
I won't die. Here, or elsewhere. Not for a very long time.
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[ she’s smiling for real now, even though a few last fresh tears will trail down her face into their joined hands. ]
What else?
[ like he’s getting off that easy. ]
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[Uhhhhh.]
...Take you on dates. Anywhere you want. My treat, always.
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[ smiling in earnest now. She shifts her head to kiss his fingers. ]
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[Though his voice and expression have returned to a normal deadpan, relief puts a wet sheen across his eyes. He folds his fingers around hers.]
What else do you want? Name it.
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[ she leans over to kiss him, albeit briefly. a sniff and she finally lets go of his hand, cleaning up her face ]
For as long as I want, hm? Do you really mean that?
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I'm not actually that good an actor. When it comes to myself... I tend to either say nothing or tell the truth.
[Granted, the ratio is like 95:5, but eh.]
So yeah. I mean it. ...I'll put it in writing, if you want.
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… if you’re not actually a very good actor, what exactly have we been doing these past few weeks, hm? [ she’s teasing, and kisses him to put a point on it. ]
I don’t need a contract. I just need you here. [ her smile drops. ] Don’t ever scare me like that again.
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[He rests his face in her hair. When he speaks again, his voice is hushed, lending weight and history to words that might otherwise sound flippant.]
This promise is one hundred percent... definitely... not a lie.
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She doesn’t miss the meaning. How could she? This all started based on a lie. For him to insist… so quietly, that he truly means it…
Wonderingly, Lortel lifts a hand and cups his jaw, her eyes searching his. Her fingers will press under his chin, prompting him to lean down. Gently she bumps their foreheads together, peering at him myopically. There is a tiny, disbelieving smile on her face. ]
You won’t ever be able to take that back. I won’t let you.